I Re-watched Fleabag and now I cant stop crying

Well I mean it’s been a while hasn’t it? After an eight-month hiatus, or if you roughly translate that too liberty is a MASSIVELY lazy bitch, I have returned. I’m sure you’ve missed me, your welcome.

 Forgive me for this delightful word vomit I’m about to produce, because of course none of this is going to be coherent or good, considering I’m listening to a wonderfully cringe worthy playlist, entitled ‘alternative love songs’, so that’s not helping but I needed to say something, anything so here that word vomit is.

I don’t know what it was that led me to the decision to rewatch both seasons of fleabag in a day, but it happened. And now I regret it, because well I can’t stop crying, and if the empty void I call my heart didn’t feel empty enough beforehand it for sure does now. I know I’m probably not the only one that has felt like this after watching it for the third time, or maybe even the first time, but something has shifted in relation to how I feel about this. Got to remember as well, sad girl winter is in full swing.

It’s not to say I didn’t feel an array of emotions the first time I watched Fleabag, but something has for sure shifted, fleabag first came out three years ago, and I fell in love with it instantly because well it’s just fucking amazing. I seem to relate to everything she say’s or does, she is me and I am her, but for some bizarre reason, after my third time of watching it, it became more relatable to me and more heartbreaking?  Probably explains why I’ve now been sobbing for the past forty minutes after I turned it off.

As much as I adored the first season and it hit me in all the right places, season two was just ooof words can’t explain it just, it hit me fucking hard. So many moments and scenes keep replaying in my mind, and every little detail I remember makes my heart hurt and makes make cry just that bit more. But I mean the one that really hit, purely because I know exactly how both characters feel is the last scene of the last episode, you know the one? When she’s waiting for the bus home? You know the one. I even understand how the fox feels if that makes sense, which it definitely doesn’t but you know it’s me nothing I say makes sense.

A lot of things have happened over the past couple of months emotionally I’ve been going through it, trying to wrap my head around about twelve different things at all times has started to take its toll. I seem to be well into my twenties now, and no matter how many people tell you about it or warn you about it; it’s somehow way more difficult and terrifying than people tell you. So apologies about that, but your twenties really be fucking odd, not really looking forward to the next eight years. Either way, the crying over two people who love each other and a fox, has seemed to evoke something within me. The past couple of weeks have been again a weird one but again it’s me when isn’t life weird for me. Or the fact mercury is in retrograde so everything be weird, it would probably explain a lot, it seems I’m experiencing something I haven’t I think maybe ever? I don’t want attention?

First off if anyone knows me, they know this is unheard of and not normal, again I’m an Aries. The biggest Aries, I radiate big Aries energy no matter where I go. We never don’t want attention we are NEEDY BASTARDS.

Now I know this is a thing people go through this all the time, where they distant themselves from relationships, or even trying to seek out someone who will put up with you and your unbelievable amounts of bullshit, because well there is a lot. Of course, I go through stages where I put more effort into this exhausting routine, than usual but now for the first time ever, I would quite like everyone to fuck off?

 I want to delete every pointless app and disappear off the face of the planet, gone without a trace. That excitement I once had every time you would match with someone, no matter how gross the context of the message was, that excitement has gone. Anytime anyone messages me now my reaction is the same, a screwed up a face and a ‘sir please kindly fuck off’. I thought I was comfortable with being by myself beforehand but maybe this is me really being comfortable with it now? I mean it has been over a year since I was in a relationship, which in a way is such a relief because I mean right now I couldn’t think of anything worse.

 So I think for now I’m just going to continue watching Fleabag listening to horribly named playlists like ‘90’s love songs’ in an attempt to feel that empty void in which I call my heart, that clearly does not seems to work anymore, but then again give it two weeks and I will probably be back to my attention craving self.